A Screwed Up Life: The Reprint
by Farmer Jen
Summary: The new, improved version of an old story.
1. Welcome to your new life

Disclaimer: Harvest Moon is the property of Natsume. Not that I need a disclaimer, considering that the whole purpose of this site is to write about things owned by other people. This is the super-new version of this story. It's the same thing, but devoid of author's notes, punctuation errors, and the problems in my personal life during freshman year. I'm older now, if not by very much, and I understand that it's tedious to read so much of that. This is the only note from me in the whole story. Read on.  
  
Jack walked away from his crying mother. His dad had been lecturing him all day, talking about "responsibility" and "mortgage" and "why didn't you go to college?" Jack was tired of it. No more lectures. No more wet spots on his shirt from Mom. He was going to that farm, and he was going now.  
  
He waited at the bus stop, thinking over his life. A couple of summers on Grandpa's farm had permanently glued themselves to his brain. A small town, a lovely mountainside, old tales of a Harvest Goddess, and nice people: how could life get any better? During the school year, he would let his mind wander back to the farm. His grades dropped severely, and nobody ever talked to the "Space Case" in the corner of the room. Jack was not a very sociable man. He tended to let others begin their conversations. In fact, he rarely said anything to people. It seemed that every time he walked up to someone, they would talk to him...it was almost as if Jack were pushing a button.  
  
Jack just couldn't stand the city life. It seemed like nobody understood him. So when he heard that Grandpa had died and needed a successor, he grabbed the opportunity. Sure, all he had done as a child was milk a cow or two, and gather the mountain's gifts for his grandfather to sell, but he could do it! Many people would think the job too lonely, but not Jack! The Weirdo, the Freak, the Outcaste...he was leaving all of that behind, and returning to the place where he belonged.  
  
Jack packed up his belongings and hopped a bus to that far off village he loved. He didn't bring too much with him; Grandpa had everything Jack needed at that little shack of his. As the bus drove slowly across the countryside, he stared out of the window, dreaming. 'It's all over now,' he thought. 'Now, my life is really gonna begin! I'll settle down on a quiet farm, make friends, buy some livestock...might even raise my own family!' Jack's dreaming went on like this for the whole trip. Finally, he could be happy!  
  
Soon, or so it seemed to Jack, the bus arrived at his stop. It was approximately five miles to the old farm from the stop, but it was nothing to Jack's well-rested feet. He dreamed as he went, wondering if anyone would remember him, or if he would remember them. Soon, the silo on the farm loomed up before him. Jack smiled a rare smile, and half-ran into the little shack that was his grandfather's. He choked on the dust clouds that flew up to greet him. 'I've got to get this place cleaned up,' he thought as he cleared his throat of dust.  
  
He emerged a few hours later, covered in the grime from inside his home. He looked up, and was startled to find a boy standing on his farm. "Hey," said the guy. "You're the guy who bought the farm, right?"  
  
Jack nodded, and wondered at this guy's choice of words. "What's your name?"  
  
"Jack," said Jack, actually speaking. The boy nodded. "I'm the shipper. Why don't you come to town with me and meet the villagers?"  
  
Before Jack could reply, he found himself in the shipper's truck, driving the extremely short distance to town. He couldn't remember getting out of the truck, but was suddenly standing inside of the town, with the shipper blocking the exit.  
  
"Why don't you go meet the villagers?" he asked in a commanding tone. Jack sighed and walked off to the closest building, a flower shop.  
  
A lady with pink hair was at the counter. Jack's eyes widened. "Oh, you must be Jack," said the lady, smiling. Jack's eyes widened even more. The lady laughed. "Of course you wouldn't remember me," she said. "You were just a little boy the last time you came. It's been fifteen years...that would make you twenty-one now, right?"  
  
Jack nodded. "So big now! My Nina's grown quite a bit, too. She's in her room, if you'd like to talk to her." The florist shot him a glance. Jack shrugged and headed toward the room, wondering how people could give such commanding looks.  
  
***  
  
As soon as he walked in the room, Jack was pounced on by a pink ball of doom that looked disturbingly like the lady at the counter. He assumed that this was Nina. "MAN!!!" she screamed, and started tearing at his shirt.  
  
Jack decided that this would be a good time to say something. "AHHH! RAPE!!" he yelled. He socked the girl in the chin, and she flew to the other side of the room, landing, frog-like, on all fours. "Nina need man!" screamed the girl.  
  
Jack now had time to see what she looked like. She was thin, with bright pink hair like her mother's. The difference was that the florist's hair was short and well kept, and this girl's was long and tangled. She wore a pink dress that looked like it used to be quite pretty, but was now reduced to shreds of dirty pink fabric. Her eyes burned a blazing, lustful red, and she was frothing at the mouth.  
  
"Give Nina man!" she shrieked. Nina crawled toward him. Jack backed away, feeling the wall. 'Good Nina,' thought Jack reaching for something to throw at her.  
  
His hands encountered a flower, and he thrust it out in front of him. Nina stopped advancing, and her eyes widened in interest. "Flower...Ooooo," she said.  
  
Jack thought quickly. "Yeah," he said. "For you." Nina took the flower, and stroked it happily. "You...like Nina?" she asked hopefully. Jack nodded. Nina smiled, revealing sharp, gleaming fangs. "Nina like cake," she said.  
  
Jack nodded again. "I'll...get cake for you, then," he said. Nina backed off, and started to run around like a hyper child. "Cake for Nina! Cake for Nina! Yay!" Jack slowly edged away, and slipped out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.  
  
"Have a good time?" asked the florist. Jack nodded, scared as hell. The florist smiled. "Here, have a watering can," she said. He took it, nodded thankfully, and then ran out of there as fast as legs could carry him.  
  
The next building he saw was the church. 'Thank God,' he thought. 'There's gotta be somebody normal in there.' A man with a long face and blue robes stood outside of the church. He had a cross printed over his heart, and a little white collar. Jack figured that he was a priest. "Hello, my son," said the priest, turning his head to face him. "You must be Jack." Jack nodded. "Welcome." Jack smiled and walked past the priest, who continued standing and staring off in the same direction. 'Weird people,' thought Jack.  
  
As Jack approached the church, he heard noises off to the side. "Ohh...ahh..." said the voice. 'Oh no! Someone's hurt!' Jack rushed off, running behind the church. A little blonde boy was sitting on a rock, jacking off. "Ohhh....Maria....oh yeah..." Jack's eyes widened. He slowly backed away and entered the church.  
  
A girl with blue hair stood in the center aisle. She was dressed like a nun. Jack wondered about the strange hair colors here. "Hello," said the girl. "My name is Maria. Nice to meet you." Jack smiled uneasily and waved. "Have you come here to pray?" He thought about what he had just seen, and decided that praying would be a good idea. He nodded. "You're very pious," said Maria with a gleam in her eye. Jack walked over to the statue of the Harvest Goddess and knelt down to pray.  
  
'Mother Goddess, forgive me...I have seen something so horrible...'  
  
Jack thought he heard a voice. 'Why are you sorry you saw something? It wasn't your fault, you dumbass! It wasn't like you could help it! I mean really, what were you supposed to do, gouge your eyes out to avoid seeing? What the fuck is wrong with you?!?'  
  
Jack's eyes widened, startled. 'Well...um...Mother Goddess...I...' This time, the voice screamed at him. 'You what? I'm so fuckin' tired of people coming in here and complaining about their stupid little "mistakes"! "Mother Goddess, I saw something naughty!" "Mother Goddess, I didn't take a shower last night!" "Mother Goddess, I was born a man!" It's not your fuckin' FAULT! If you kill someone or commit adultery, that'd be good, as long as you told me alllll about it! But no! You have to come complain about some dumbass problem! Well, you know what? I don't give a damn! Go tell your fuckin' mommy!'  
  
Jack slowly backed away from the statue. Maria turned to him. "Did the Goddess forgive your sins?" she asked. Jack nodded. "Isn't she so gracious?" Jack smiled and ran out of the church. 


	2. A wonderful day in a town full of crazy ...

The next person Jack encountered was the mayor. He was obviously the mayor, as all of them were short fat men with brown hair.  
  
"Hi!" he said. "I'm the mayor of this town!" 'No duh,' thought Jack. He walked past the little man, and into his sweet looking house. A woman with blue hair in a bun sat in the living room, reading a book. "Hello," she said to Jack. "I'm the mayor's wife. My daughter Maria is in the church." Jack figured that the blue hair was genetic, and smiled.  
  
He walked around the house, and discovered a small room. It looked like Maria's. He wondered where the mayor and his wife slept, considering that there was only one room. Feeling nosy, Jack started poking around in Maria's stuff. He found her diary. Smiling evilly, he picked it up and started reading.  
  
The diary was full of the names of the villagers. A few little hearts and a small description of each villager were next to each name. 'Daddy-5 hearts. Why won't he let me camp naked in the mountains and discover my inner goddess? Mommy-7 hearts. She was very supportive of my dreams. Priest-12 hearts. *Sigh*.if only he was 30 years younger. Jack-1 heart. Need to get to know him a little better. Very pious.could he be the Priest, 30 years younger?' Jack was surprised to see his name. He shut the diary and walked out, wondering exactly when Maria had the time to write this about him. He strolled through the town square.  
  
A colorful house was on his left, and he walked over to it. A young girl with red hair in pigtails stood outside of the house, staring into space. "Hi!" said the little girl, smiling. "This is the Fortune-Teller's house. She can help you out with your problems, like with girls and stuff."  
  
Jack smiled at the little girl. "She helps a lot, you know," continued the girl. "Ms. Fortune-Teller helped me fall in love with that blonde boy at the church." The girl continued to talk incessantly, and Jack walked into the house, ignoring her.  
  
A small old lady with a pointy red hat sat on a cushion inside. In front of her was a big table with a crystal ball and tarot cards. "Welcome, my child," said the Fortune-Teller. "Come close, and I will tell you of your future."  
  
Jack walked up next to the old lady, who took his hand. "You are quiet," said the lady. "Your past is a horrible childhood." Jack nodded, wondering how she knew this. "You have seen bad things in your lifetime, and have come to this village in hopes to escape. You are a lady magnet, mainly because of the fact that you're hung like a horse."  
  
Jack's eyes widened, and he jumped away from the Fortune-Teller. "Come, my boy!" she cackled. "I'll give you a night you'll never forget!" Jack screamed and barged out of the door, where the little red-haired girl was still talking about the wonderful Ms. Fortune-Teller. Jack ran on down to the nearest building.  
  
A wooden fence surrounded the building, and its yard resembled an animal pen. Judging by this and the picture of a cow near the door, Jack figured that this was the Animal Shop. He walked inside, escaping the shrieks of the crazed old rapist that was locked inside of her hut. A gray-haired man sat at the counter with a dazed look on his face.  
  
"Heeeeey, dude!" said the man, who was obviously stoned. "You the new farmer-man?" Jack nodded. "Heh heh, I got this gnarly grass for you! It'll like, totally tame your cows and chickens for you! They'll be like, 'dude! I wanna be good for this awesome farmer dude! He's like...uh...groovy!'" The stoned man put a bag of grass on the counter, and promptly fell on the floor. Jack leaned over the counter to look at him. The man was pointing at the ceiling, laughing like an idiot. As Jack left, he distinctly heard "Dude! A cow!"  
  
The next building was a tool shop with a cute little chicken weathervane on the roof. A redhead chick, about Jack's age, stood outside. She was dressed in a white shirt, dirty jeans, and a beat-up leather jacket. Her hair was in a ponytail, revealing her face that sported a scar below the left eye.  
  
"Hey!" said the girl, waving at Jack. "I'm Ann! My dad owns this tool shop." She stood with her arms akimbo, sizing him up. "You look like a farmer to me. Am I right?" Jack nodded. Ann smiled. "You must be that guy taking over the old man's farm! Jack, right?" Again, Jack nodded. "Cool." With that, Ann walked off. Jack entered the tool shop.  
  
A thin, mousy man with light brown hair stood behind the counter. "Hey, hey, hey!" said the man. "You must be Jack. I've heard about you. A true lady-magnet!"  
  
Jack wondered how news in this village traveled so fast. "Listen, talk to me about tools. An axe is used for chopping stumps. A hammer's used for bashing rocks. A hoe's used for a good night's fun!" The man laughed and elbowed Jack playfully. "A good 'hoe' is essential. Try my daughter, Ann. She's a feisty one, I'm sure!" The man laughed again, elbowing Jack in the ribs. Jack rubbed his chest. The man saw that Jack wasn't smiling, and his grin faded.  
  
"Well now," he said, "don't be such a spoiled sport! You need a good lay to turn that frown upside down! I'll say it again: try Ann." Jack sighed and walked into the back room to escape from the pervert. He saw two beds in the back room, and one had a little book next to it. 'Yes!' thought Jack, 'another diary!' He grabbed it, and started reading.  
  
This diary was organized exactly like Maria's. 'Dad-2 hearts. Such a pervert! He wants me to get married off before it's legal! And he can't even get the Florist to like him. What a loser! Jack-1 heart. He seems nice so far. Maybe he likes tools as much as I do! I'm gonna work harder on my invention.maybe it can help him out on his farm!' Again, Jack was startled at the sight of his name. He had only known Ann for five minutes, and she already had something written about him! Weird.  
  
He left the tool shop, heading off to the left. This building had a picture of a cake in front of it, and Jack figured that it was a bakery. The sight if the cake triggered something in his mind. Nina! How long would she stay in her room, waiting for cake? Jack decided to keep his axe with him at all times. He walked into the bakery.  
  
A big woman with a mass of curly brown hair on her head was behind the counter. "Eat every day!" she said, and laughed heartily for no apparent reason. "It'll make you grow big and strong!"  
  
She laughed more, and Jack smiled sheepishly. Suddenly, the big woman grabbed him by the collar and held him inches from her face. "RIGHT?!?" she screamed at him.  
  
Jack nodded fiercely. The woman laughed again and dropped him on the floor. He scrambled across the room, smacking into a dancing man. The man had tangled dark brown hair and disheveled clothes. "Do I know you?" asked the man. His breath reeked of alcohol.  
  
Jack shook his head, and offered the drunk man his hand. The man stared at the hand, and looked at Jack accusingly. "Is that some kind of proposition?" he asked warily. Jack shook his head again and withdrew his hand. The big woman was still laughing. Jack decided that this would be a good time to leave.  
  
He approached the last building in the town. A picture of beer was to the left of the door, and the brilliant Jack figured that this was a bar. A gorgeous blonde stood in front of the door, smiling. She was wearing a little pink tank top and a matching mini skirt. She had a big pink ribbon in her hair.  
  
"Hi," she said. "I'm Eve. The bar is closed today. It's usually open except Sundays though." Jack was a little too distracted by her skimpy outfit to listen to what she was saying. Eve frowned. "Um...hello?" Jack shook his head rapidly to clear it. "Um...maybe you should go home now." Jack smiled and waved bye-bye to Eve, and then ran back to the shipper.  
  
"Damn, it took you long enough!" said the shipper, who was obviously pissed off. "Have you finished everything you wanted to do?" Jack nodded. "Let's go then," said the shipper. He walked across the little bridge, with Jack following him.  
  
Suddenly, Jack was in the truck again, driving back to his farm. Then, he was inside of his house, with some unknown force moving his legs. He walked over to his bed, and turned around. "Today was a good day, and I'm going to have a good sleep," said Jack. Before he could think about how stupid that was, or what was making him talk, he blacked out. 


	3. Echmay Potato!

When Jack woke up, he was sitting at his table with a large rice ball in his hands. He had the sudden urge to shove the entire thing in his mouth, and he did. Thinking that the house was possessed, Jack ran out of it in a hurry. A small brown dog ran across his path, and he tripped over it and fell face first in the dirt. 'Today doesn't seem too good so far,' thought Jack as he dusted himself off. The little dog grabbed his overalls and started to tear them off.  
  
Suddenly, a girl with short brown hair ran into his farm. "Koro!" she screamed. "Get back here, you little fucker!" The girl ran up and started to beat the dog with a stick. "Hey!" said Jack. He was opposed to animal cruelty, even if the animal was trying to shred his clothing.  
  
The girl looked up, surprised. She hadn't even noticed he was there. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, and looked into his eyes, her face resembling a hurt puppy's. "I. I don't know what came over me." She burst into tears, falling on Jack for support. 'Great,' thought Jack, 'more tearstains on my shirt.' He patted the girl's back absently.  
  
Eventually, she stopped crying and righted herself. "I'm Ellen," she said, sniffling. "I'm so sorry. I really don't know what came over me. What's your name, sir?"  
  
"Jack," said Jack.  
  
"It's so nice to meet you, Jack," said Ellen. "I think I've been around my mother too long. She's always been so mean to poor Koro, and I guess it's rubbing off on me. I came running after him to take him back home. Mother doesn't want me to keep him, and I don't know what to do."  
  
Her eyes brightened suddenly, and she looked up at Jack. "Say, will you keep Koro for me?" Jack thought for a minute, and then nodded. Ellen's face burst into a smile.  
  
"Oh, thank you!" she cried, and wrapped her arms around Jack in a big hug. "Here, let's take Koro inside and wash his owwies," said Ellen. She reached for the dog, who promptly bit her hand.  
  
Ellen screamed and raised her hand, about to hit the dog. Then she remembered that she was supposed to be nice to it, and lowered her hand, sighing. "I guess I deserved that," she said. Jack picked up Koro and brought him inside with Ellen following behind them.  
  
They washed the dog, and bandaged him up. Ellen also had the bright idea of putting a muzzle on Koro, for her own safety. Koro fell asleep, partly because of exhaustion and partly because Ellen drugged him.  
  
"He's so cute when he's asleep," she said, smiling. Jack nodded and smiled as well.  
  
"But you're just cute all the time," she said, and hugged him, pulling his hands behind his back. A pair of handcuffs was fastened around his wrists. Jack stiffened, alarmed. 'Not another crazy rapist!' he thought, and opened his mouth to protest. His words were held back by Ellen's tongue. She forced him to the ground. Jack's eyes widened, and he looked toward Koro. Ellen removed her tongue long enough to talk to him.  
  
"Why do you think I drugged and muzzled him?" she asked, and stuck her tongue back in his mouth. Jack felt he would puke in pure disgust. Who could save him now?  
  
Suddenly, a little elf-like creature burst through the door. "Echmay Potato!" it cried savagely. It had green hair, a little red outfit, and a huge spear.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" screamed Ellen.  
  
"I Bob, Harvest Sprite of Death!"  
  
Ellen just laughed. "Damn rats," she said.  
  
Bob's eyes glowed red, and he lifted the spear high above his head. "Die, bitch!" he cried, and threw the spear at Ellen's head. It flew through and pinned her to the wall.  
  
Jack's eyes widened. "It OK, Farmer Man," said the Harvest Sprite. He came over and undid the handcuffs around Jack's wrists. "Farmer mans be nice. Give Sprites mushrooms and let use house for big keg parties."  
  
Jack smiled and nodded. 'So that's how Grandpa was so successful,' he thought.  
  
"Farmer Man give call and tell Bob when want throw keg party. Bob bring friends, booze, and women, and be over soon." Jack smiled and rubbed his wrists.  
  
"Bye!" said Bob, and left. Jack stood up and went over to Koro. He pulled the muzzle off of the dog and put a tiny pillow under his head. Jack looked at his dog fondly and walked out of his house.  
  
Jack looked at his yard for the first time. It was covered with weeds, stones, tree stumps, and boulders. He decided to get to work. He worked on the overgrown mess all day, and a long time into the night. 'It's gotta be about midnight by now,' thought Jack as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. He looked at his watch.  
  
"WHAT?!?" Jack thought that his eyes must be deceiving him. "Six o'clock?" He put a hand to his head. 'I need a drink,' Jack thought. He brightened. Eve! Of course! Eve would be at the bar!  
  
He ran off and left his farm. When he got to the crossroads minutes later, he noticed a statue of a chicken. 'It's just a chicken, but it intrigues me,' he thought. Then, Jack had an idea. He took his hammer and smashed the statue of the chicken into little pieces. A little berry fell out of it. He picked it up. "I've got a berry of the Power Tree!" he said suddenly. He shoved it into his mouth and swallowed. 'Damn it! Am I possessed?' Jack thought. He felt stronger, though, so being possessed couldn't be too bad. Jack continued on to the bar.  
  
Eve was standing inside, directly to his left. Jack made a beeline for her. "It's my homemade berry juice! Do you want some?" she asked.  
  
Jack nodded. He did go to the bar for a drink, after all. "Tee hee, I'll kiss you if you can drink it." He took the glass she gave him and downed it in one gulp. His vision blurred. Jack shook his head quickly to clear it. He looked at Eve, expecting his kiss.  
  
"Tee hee, I was just kidding!" Jack pouted and walked away.  
  
"Don't mess with my hoes, OK kid?" said the bartender. He was a short man with a shiny bald head. The man seemed to be perpetually cleaning the same glass. Jack sighed and walked into the back room. As luck would have it, the room was a bedroom, and one of the beds had a small diary next to it. 'Yes!' thought Jack. He rushed over and grabbed the diary, ready to find out Eve's perspective of him.  
  
This diary had many more names in it than the other ones Jack had read. It seemed the Eve had an opinion about every guy in town! 'Bartender- 7 hearts. Every night with him's a blast! Not to mention the fact that he buys me everything a girl could dream of. Drunk-4 hearts. Great business, but the alcohol's killed his "performance". Shipper-3 hearts. He's got a potbelly from driving that damn truck all the time. Animal Shop "Dealer"-6 hearts. You just gotta love the man who's giving you the snoochie-boochies. Tool Shop Owner-2 hearts. What a perv! The man won't stop talking about my boobs. I need to castrate him. Mayor-1 heart. The man's just too fat. You can't get at his member anymore. It's too small, anyway. Priest-0 hearts. He won't get in bed with me, no matter how hard I try or how much I take off! Dickhead. Mountain Carpenters-6 hearts each. They got the wood ^-~. Eve's grandfather-1 heart. Too wrinkly. Fisherman-4 hearts. He smells bad, but he's got a nice rod ^-~. Jack-1 heart. It's hilarious how innocent this boy thinks I am! It almost makes me feel guilty.' Jack stopped reading. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes. He quickly closed the diary and walked out of the room.  
  
He shot Eve a tortured glance as he left the room. She smacked her forehead. "Did I leave my diary out again?" she asked. Then, Eve giggled sweetly. Jack ran out of the bar, slamming the door behind him. He ran back to his farm, tears blinding his eyes the whole way home. He ran into his house, avoiding the large spear with Ellen hanging from it, and threw himself on the bed, where he cried himself to sleep.  
  
***  
Jack woke up. He rubbed his puffy red eyes and looked around his house. Ellen's body was gone! Koro was up and about, sniffing everywhere and checking out his new territory. He looked chunkier, and his bandages were a little tighter around his body. Bob and a little female Harvest Sprite were cuddled up in a blanket in front of the TV. Jack's eyes widened, and he felt a little bad that the Harvest Sprite had a bedmate and yet he wasn't getting any. Bob looked over and saw that Jack was awake. He waved happily. "Bob and Vicky clean up dead bitch. Feed dog, too. Dead bitch be nourishing. Hope Farmer Man no mind us using washcloth for gettin' jiggy." Jack shook his head.  
  
"Good. Bob and Vicky go back to pad now. Need make sure Vicky's pill working right." Bob stood up and folded the washcloth. Vicky blew Jack a little kiss, and handed him a piece of paper with a phone number on it. Then she and Bob left.  
  
Jack felt a little better after seeing his Harvest Sprite buddy. He decided to have a keg party that night as a thank-you to Bob and Vicky. Jack thought that a nice hike in the mountains would do him good, so he packed up a rice ball and started walking. When he got there, three carpenters came up and greeted him.  
  
"Hi," they said simultaneously. "Talk to us about home extensions." When they finished talking to him, they all started walking around in circles. 'Weird,' thought Jack. He walked on.  
  
A fisherman sat by a small pond. "Howdy," he said. "I'm Billy-Bob-Joe-Bob- Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob-Steve, but my friends call me Fisherman. Can ye fish?" "Not well," said Jack. "Ah, yer a Greenhorn!" said Fisherman, nodding. "Well, ya'll can have my spare rod here, and bump up yer skills at fishin'!" Jack smiled gratefully, and walked off. "Ya'll come back now, hear?" Fisherman yelled after him.  
  
Jack continued his hike up the mountain. Soon, he came upon an old man with a long white beard. "Hey there, sonny boy!" said the old man. "Whatcha doin' in these here parts? This be my territory!"  
  
"Hiking," said Jack. He was talking quite a bit today. "I see," said the old man. "I've been a-huntin' in this here area for over sixty years. My granddaughter Eve is-"  
  
Jack cut him off. "That slut?!?" he cried. The old man's eyes narrowed angrily. "How dare you!" he hollered. The man took out his rifle and started shooting everywhere crazily. "I gon gitcha!"  
  
Jack screamed and fell over the railing next to a small pond. He was safe from the old man's crazed gunshots now, but his tools fell out of his backpack. Jack looked up, and saw his axe on the edge of the pond. 'Oh no!' he thought. He reached for the axe, but it was too late. The tool slipped and fell into the pond.  
  
A lovely, green-haired woman rose up out of the pond. She wore a sparkling white dress, and held a golden axe high above her head. "I am the Harvest Goddess!" she said. Her voice was the same one Jack had heard in the church. "Is this your axe?" Jack shook his head. He really wanted to lie (hell, the axe was made of gold!), but he had felt the anger of the Goddess when he complained about a minor problem, and he didn't want to feel her anger if he lied.  
  
She raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? This isn't your *golden* axe?" Again, Jack shook his head. The Goddess's jaw dropped.  
  
"What the fuck is your problem, you dumbass?!?" she screamed. "This axe is made of gold! How can you not see that? You could've just lied, taken the axe, sold it on Ebay and got as rich as Bill Gates! But, noOo! Mr. I-Saw- Something-Naughty-And-I-Can't-Lie-To-Get-Rich has to be honest! What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a Momma's Boy? Don't you take any risks is your boring-ass life? Are you a fuckin' angel? Damn, you're a hell of a lot more angelic than I am! What's your excuse, you fuckin' dumbass freak?"  
  
Jack stammered. "I...just wanted to be...h-honest!"  
  
The Goddess flared angrily. Her hair flew about her head, and there was fire in her eyes. "Honest? HONEST? I'll show you HONEST, you little mother fucker!"  
  
With that, the Goddess threw the Golden Axe at Jack. But, being an angry, hurt woman, she had no aim. The axe hit a tree. The Goddess sank back into her little pool. Jack sat for a moment, reviving from yet another dose of the Goddess's anger. Then, he grabbed the Golden Axe from the tree, and ran back to his farm with it. 'At least I got a tool upgrade,' he thought happily. 


	4. Platypus

With his new *golden* axe in tow, Jack headed off to the Flower Shop to buy some turnip seeds. He felt extremely safe with this new axe, and wasn't worried about the evil rapist, Nina. She would most likely be locked up in her room, anyway, still waiting for her cake. 'She won't hold off forever,' he thought. 'I'd better get that damn cake soon.' Jack ran into the village, fondling the handle of his axe.  
  
The florist was sitting behind her counter as usual. "Hello Jack!" she said cheerfully. "Have you had your reproductive organ today?"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "A reproductive organ a day keeps the doctor away! Especially if it's a gynecologist!" Jack smiled and nodded, a little freaked out.  
  
He walked to the table that had all of the seeds on it and picked up a bag of turnips. "Those are turnip seeds," said the florist. "Those ones are a bit boring, though. If you'd like, I can give the special, gene-spliced turnip seeds. They sell for much higher than regular turnips."  
  
Jack thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked. His throat was sore from talking too much today.  
  
"Well," said the florist, "Nina's been in her room screaming for cake all day, so if you'll buy her a cake, then I'll give you these seeds for free."  
  
Jack nodded. 'Fair deal,' he thought. "Good!" exclaimed the florist, clapping her hands together. "Come back later with the cake, and I'll give you the snoochie boochies- er, the 'special' turnips."  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. He nodded and left the store, wondering what the hell snoochie boochies were and why everyone was talking about them. If only he had seen Mall Rats..  
  
Jack decided to take his time on his way to the bakery. He had protection, and Nina could wait for her damned cake. He walked toward the church, hoping to visit with Maria. She seemed sane.  
  
The little blonde boy was on the path on the way up to the church. He walked up to Jack with a look of curiosity on his face. "What's the plural for 'uterus'?" he asked. "Is it 'uteruses' or 'uteri'?" Jack thought for a moment, and shrugged. Word's spell check said that both were right, and he didn't know what to think.  
  
"Damn!" said the little boy. He took out a little piece of paper with a poem written on it and mumbled to himself. "I see your lips, so soft and luscious, and think of many uteruses...You're the apple of my eye, I'd like to fill some uteri...dammit!" The little boy walked off, preoccupied with his thoughts. Jack raised an eyebrow and walked into the church. He was quite curious as to how Maria would respond to that poem.  
  
Maria was playing the organ at the far end of the room. She hit a wrong note, and burst into tears. Jack walked over and placed a hand on her back, hoping to comfort her.  
  
She turned to face him. Maria's eyes were red like Nina's, and they burned with a fiery rage. Her canines were unnaturally long, and they jutted from her mouth, dripping with blood. "What do YOU want?" she snarled.  
  
Jack stepped back, his eyes wide. "Blood?" he asked nervously.  
  
"Not like it's any of your business," she said, "but around this time of month, I like my chicken RAW!" She got down on all fours and crawled around in a Gollum-like fashion.  
  
'Who's Gollum?' thought Jack.  
  
"You Dumbass!" screeched Maria. "How can you NOT know who Gollum is? What's your fuckin' problem? He's from Lord of the Rings, one of the greatest series of all time! What kind of fuckin' idiot can you be if you don't know who Gollum is? Did your mother drop you on your head and beat you with a ten pound spatula when you were a kid? Oh, Goddess!" Maria stood up and shook her head.  
  
A heavenly voice filled the room. 'Don't fret, my child,' it said. 'Jack's just a fuckin' dumbass freak. He complained that he saw something naughty, and when I asked if a *golden* axe was his, he said NO! He wouldn't lie to get a beautiful, priceless tool from a hot goddess like me! No siree Bob! The man's got no mind.'  
  
Maria nodded. "Thank you for filling my mind with your wisdom, Mother Goddess," she said. Suddenly, she burst into tears, leaning on Jack's shoulder and crying her eyes out. Jack wondered why girls liked to cry on him and leave wet spots on his shirt.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Jack!" she said between sobs. "It's just this horrible PMS. I act like a complete meanie, and I hurt people's feelings. Why, I don't know how to make it up to you."  
  
She brightened, and looked up into his eyes. "How about I break my oath as a nun and sleep with you? Right here, right now." She started tearing at his overalls.  
  
"In a church?" asked Jack. "No!"  
  
Maria looked up from her work. The red rage burned in her eyes again. "Are you fuckin' GAY?!?" she screamed. "Oh Goddess! You just got an offer for sex from a nun! You were given the chance to pluck the forbidden fruit! Most men and many women would've ceased that chance! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"  
  
"I-I just need to get to know you a little better, Maria," said Jack. He was tired from speaking such a long sentence. Maria's face now had a huge smile on it.  
  
"Yay! Yay!" she said, dancing around the pedestal. "I'm gonna get laid, I'm gonna get laid!" She continued her happy chant, and Jack took the opportunity to get the hell away from the Goddess-enhanced PMSing Maria.  
  
Though it was probably not the smartest thing to do, Jack decided to visit the mayor and his wife. 'Maybe they're sane,' he thought.  
  
He walked into the house, but the mayor wasn't there. His wife wasn't in the living room. 'Maybe they're in Maria's room,' Jack thought. He walked in the hallway that led to her room. On his way there, he glanced at the bookshelf. One of the books was sticking out from the rest of them. Being the nosy jackass he is, Jack grabbed the book to see what these people liked to read. The book was called "Lever."  
  
Suddenly Jack heard a loud groaning noise, and looked up. The bookshelf was moving! It swung to the side, revealing a secret door. 'So that's where they sleep,' thought Jack. He opened the door.  
  
Inside, he saw a large bed with two people...erm..."gettin' jiggy" in it. Small devil horns appeared on Jack's head. He walked into the room and watched for a while, and then he threw the covers back. It was the mayor's wife and the drunk!  
  
Jack's eyes widened. The mayor's wife screamed. "Don't tell my husband!" she pleaded. "I'll...I'll...buy you all the alcohol you could ever wish for!"  
  
Jack considered for a moment, and then nodded. 'This will be good for a keg party,' he thought. "Good," said the mayor's wife. "Can you also not tell my husband about this room? I'd rather not have to sleep with him. Once was enough." Jack nodded and left the room, closing the bookcase behind him.  
  
He decided to go to the bakery next, and get his cake buying over with. As he walked through the town square, he saw Eve. "Oh, hello, Jack," she said as if nothing had ever happened. "I'm just doing some shopping." Jack looked around, and raised a skeptical eyebrow. There weren't any stores in sight.  
  
"Bye bye, big boy," said Eve. I'll see you at that keg party tonight." Jack stared at her, not an unpleasant thing to do. "Keg party?" he asked.  
  
"You know," replied Eve, "the one Bob's throwing tonight. Since the mayor's wife is giving you so much free booze, he thought he should have a party." Jack nodded, and wondered how people found out about these things so fast.  
  
He got to the bakery, and walked inside, feeling a bit nervous. 'I witnessed their daughter's murder, and did nothing to stop it,' he thought. 'In fact, I encouraged it. Will they still let me buy cake in their store?' He shrugged, and walked up to the counter.  
  
"You want some cake, honey?" asked the big woman. Jack nodded. "I'll give you a little extra sugar for free, if you want it," she added, winking. Jack stiffened. Did she want to rape him because he killed her daughter?  
  
"I owe you a little something," she continued. "I mean, you are hosting that wild keg party tonight with Bob." Jack nodded. "Just the cake, please," he said.  
  
"Alright," said Ellen's mother, "suit yourself." She handed him the cake, and he gave her the money for it. "Thanks, honey," said the woman. "See you tonight!" Jack decided not to say anything about seeing her husband in bed with the mayor's wife. Then, he noticed a back door. Jack looked back at the big woman. She was counting her money and laughing at it. He crept into the back room, setting his cake down on the table for a moment.  
  
There was a large table in the center of the room with a small birdcage on it. A little blue bird was in the cage, cheeping happily. As he walked in, he noticed a diary on the table. 'Ellen's diary!' he thought. He ran over to read it.  
  
There was a long list of names, and he scanned them until he found his name. 'Jack-negative three hearts. That bastard sent in his elf friend to kill me! I hate people who kill me.' Jack's eyes widened, and he backed away. He walked up and waved to the bird.  
  
The bird stopped chirping and coked an eye at him. "What the fuck do you want, dumbass?" it asked. Jack's eyes widened, startled.  
  
"I just wanted to say 'hi', little birdy."  
  
The bird stood with its wings on its hips. "I'm NOT 'little birdy'," it said. "The name's P-Chan, and I'm a tough gangsta with the nuts of an African Bull Elephant, so I'm sure as hell not 'little.'"  
  
Jack couldn't help but look down between the bird's legs. He had little blue boxers on, blending in perfectly with his plumage. The bird covered his boxers with his wings when he saw the direction of Jack's eyes, and shrieked in outrage.  
  
"You PERV!" he screamed. "Rape! Rape!" Jack ran out of the room, swiping his cake off of the table as he left. As he ran, he could still hear P-Chan screaming. "RAAAAAAAAPE!"  
  
Jack went to the flower shop to drop off his cake for Nina. On the way there, he saw Bob. "Hey there, Farmer-man!" said Bob. "I throw big keg party at house tonight. You hear?"  
  
Jack nodded. "Good! Where you going, Farmer-man?" Jack pointed to the florist's, and then sighed. "What wrong?" asked Bob. Jack told him about his little problems with Nina and Eve.  
  
Bob nodded sympathetically. "I see," he said, scribbling on a little notepad. "Bob found solution. Bob attack Nina, unless something special about Nina make Bob want stop. But, for Eve, Farmer-man need learn some girls only good for one night!" Jack sighed.  
  
"Let's get Farmer-man's turnip seeds and attack Nina now," said Bob, patting him on the back. Jack smiled and stood, and the two drinking buddies walked into the flower shop together. The florist smiled as she saw Jack walk in. She didn't see Bob, though he was carrying his large battle spear. "Did you bring the cake?" she asked.  
  
Jack nodded and held it up. "Good," aid the florist. She handed him a bag of seeds. "Here are your 'special' turnips. You can give the cake to Nina yourself. She's in her room, alllll alone." She winked. "Go get em, tiger!"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow, and walked into the back room with Bob. "Echmay Potato!" cried Bob as they barged in the door, their weapons at the ready. Then both of them stopped, and their jaws dropped. Nina was in bed with Eve!  
  
"Girl get jiggy with girl!" cried Bob. He turned to Jack. "Bob no can hurt lesbian!" he said accusingly. "Why Jack no tell Bob?" Jack shook his head. "Didn't know," he said.  
  
Nina sat up in bed, and started laughing. "Nina bi!" she said happily. Eve pulled her back down on the bed, and they continued with their business. Jack and Bob watched for a while, and then left. "Bob no see why Jack heartbroken from Eve," he said. "He should know she be a bisexual slut!"  
  
Jack ran off to the animal store, leaving Bob to go home on his own. He planned on buying a chicken so his farm wouldn't seem so empty. The room was filled with smoke. "Heeey, dude!" said the extremely stoned store clerk. "That's gonna be a sweet keg party tonight!"  
  
Jack nodded. He was getting used to the weird way that everyone was in his business. "So, you wanna buy a chicken?" asked the animal dude. Jack nodded. "Ok, well, I'll have to, like, give you a little 'special food' for it until you grow some of that gnarly grass. I'll give you plenty of the 'chicken feed' tonight, ok dude?"  
  
Again, Jack nodded. "Ok, dude," he said. "Your chicken's out back." Jack walked outside and, lo and behold, there was a chicken! It too was stoned.  
  
"Dude," said the chicken. "Like, I need a name." Jack thought of a good name. "Mary Jane," he said. The chicken started laughing.  
  
"Yeah, dude!" it said. "That's like, weed in English!" Jack nodded, amazed that the chicken could think when it was so stoned. "Dude, like, carry me home," said the chicken. Then, of course, it started singing that Blink 182 song. Unfortunately for Jack, it only knew the chorus, and sang it all the way home.  
  
When he got back to the farm, Jack put the still singing Mary Jane in its pen, and started to hoe the ground. He planted his grass seeds and "special turnips". Then, he went into his tool shed to get out his watering can. He now noticed a back door in the shed.  
  
He went up to it and tried to open the door. "I can't open it; it's locked," Jack found himself saying. 'Since when did a locked door stop me?' He thought, and took out his *golden* axe. He slammed it into the door, reducing it to little "locked" splinters. A little cave was behind the door. 'What the hell,' thought Jack, and walked in the cave.  
  
There, he found two Harvest Sprites, having a little drink together. "Hey, Farmer-man!" said one of the Sprites. "You new guy, right? Bob tell us about new Farmer-man. I Joe, and he Walter."  
  
Walter raised his hand in greeting. "Hey, Farmer-man!" he said. His speech was slurred, and Jack figured that he had had a few more drinks than Joe. Suddenly, Walter got up on the table, stripped, and started dancing. "I'm a happy pumpkin!" he exclaimed, shaking his booty for all to see.  
  
Joe turned to Jack, giving his buddy a weird look. "No mind Walter," he said. "He get a little weird when drunk. But not me! I just the average Joe."  
  
Jack nodded. His hoe fell out of his little backpack. "Hey, a hoe!" said Joe. He examined the hoe carefully, turning it over. "Joe make this one!" he exclaimed after a while. "Farmer-man want Joe upgrade to Super hoe? It be cooler than normal hoe, and it be *golden*, too."  
  
Jack thought for a moment. "Catch?" he asked. "None!" said Joe. "Joe just like working on hoes." The Harvest Sprite winked. Jack raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Come back tomorrow, Farmer-man," said Joe. Walter continued doing his nudie dance on top of the table. Jack left the cave, and went back in his tool shed.  
  
On his way out of the tool shed, Jack bumped into Bob. "Hey, Farmer- man!" said Bob. "Foreign peddler in town! He sell rare things. Farmer-man buy?" Jack thought, and then nodded, walking off toward town.  
  
"Be back by six, Farmer-man!" Bob called after him. Jack nodded and ran off. He smirked as he ran, knowing that no matter how late he stayed out, it would still be six. Things worked that way in this area. At least the children couldn't complain about having to go to bed too early.  
  
Jack arrived in town. A dark man in a turban was sitting on a carpet near the entrance. He had a small red dot between his eyebrows, and he wore a royal purple vest and baggy white pants.  
  
"Greetings!" said the man, who had a voice not unlike that of Apu from the Simpsons. "I am Ishbu! I come from far away to sell you rare things." Ishbu started singing Arabian Nights.  
  
"Um," said Jack, "can I buy stuff now?" Ishbu laughed. "Of course, of course, O Hasty One! By Allah, have I got many things for you to buy!" Jack nodded, and checked out the guy's stuff. He pointed to a little lamp with a Cherub on it. There wasn't a light bulb, but it was a very cute little lamp.  
  
"How much?" he asked. "That be 5,000 gold," said Ishbu. Jack's eyes widened, and he started to walk away. "Ah, but this is no ordinary lamp!" exclaimed Ishbu. "It is a magic lamp. There's a genie inside! It will grant you your every wish!"  
  
'Ah, what the hell,' thought Jack. He forked over the cash, and grabbed the cute little Cherub lamp. It had a smudge of dirt on its little button nose, so Jack rubbed at it.  
  
Suddenly, a burst of hot pink smoke came out of the lamp where the light bulb was supposed to be. A ditzy blonde woman with a high ponytail and a strange pink outfit appeared in the smoke.  
  
"Hey there, cutie!" giggled the blonde. "I'm Jeanie. It's like, so totally nice to meet you! You like, freed me from my lamp! I'll give you one wish. So, like, what'll it be?"  
  
Jack thought. He could have anything his heart desired! This was a tough one. Suddenly, Nina burst out of the flower shop, crying.  
  
"Eve leave before Nina satisfied!" she bawled. "Nina wish Nina was dead!"  
  
"Like, ok then!" said Jeanie. She pointed a finger at Nina, and a little pink line of electricity shot out of it. It hit Nina, and she was electrocuted, her hair standing on end. She fell to the ground, dead.  
  
Jeanie stood with her arms akimbo. "That was like, a really dumb wish," she said. "Bye bye now!" With that, she and the Cherub lamp that Jack had just bought for 5,000 gold vanished in a pink puff of smoke.  
  
At first, Jack stood gaping. Then, he shrugged it off and walked away. 'At least I don't have to deal with Nina anymore,' he thought as he walked home.  
  
Bob and Walter ran up to him when he entered the farm. "Farmer-man almost too late for party!" Bob exclaimed.  
  
"I'm a pretty penguin!" said Walter, twirling around in a tutu. Bob and Jack raised their eyebrows.  
  
"Bob going get booze ready. Need Jack go inside and get glasses for drinking." With that, Bob walked off toward the tool shed, dragging Walter behind him. "I have two feet!" he said.  
  
Jack walked inside of his house and started setting up glasses. Suddenly, the phone rang. He ran to pick it up. "Hi, sweetie-boo boo-honey-lamb-sugar- bear!" said a female voice. "It's Mommy!"  
  
"Hi, Mom," said Jack. "Guess what, sweetie?" said Jack's mom. "The plural of uterus is uteri!"  
  
"That's great, Mom," replied Jack. The blonde boy would like to know that. Jack heard the sound of explosions on the other end of the line. "Mwa ha ha ha!" said his mommy evilly.  
  
"Um, Mom? What are you doing?"  
  
"I'm just blowing up snow leopards with a grenade launcher in Tomb Raider II," she said normally.  
  
"That's great, Mom," said Jack a little uneasily. "Um, Mommy? I have to go. I have some friends coming over."  
  
"That's wonderful, honey!" his mother exclaimed. Jack heard more explosions. "Ta ta for now!" With that, Jack's mommy hung up. Jack sighed and continued setting up glasses.  
  
Soon, the guests began to arrive, exactly at six o' clock. Everyone was there, except for the priest, who was too holy to come, and Ishbu, who was celebrating Ramadan. They got drunk, and Maria actually got laid, though Jack was too wasted to remember it. She decided not to tell him. The animal dealer was there as well, and added to the craziness by dealing out the snoochie-boochies. The guests partied for hours. They all passed out from too much snoochie-boochies at different times, though all of them passed out at six (maybe because time never passes inside a house or past six! Great for parties!). The only thing that Jack could remember from the previous night was saying, "That was some nice weed, and I'm going to pass out now." 


	5. Setsuna

When Jack woke up, he found himself in bed with Maria and Ann, one of them on either side of him. They were sound asleep, and it didn't seem like they had passed out from excessive snoochie-boochies or booze. He sat up, and saw that Ann's father, the mayor, and the mayor's wife were all passed out on the floor. He gulped.  
  
All of the mountainfolk were draped across his table, with the remnants of joints in their hands. Bob was asleep on one of Eve's breasts, and the other Sprites were nowhere to be found. Jack could see that many of the villagers "got some" the night before: The bartender and the florist, the shipper and the little redhead girl (illegally), and the little blonde boy and himself.  
  
He decided to dress Ann, Maria, and himself before their parents woke up. They could and would beat the crap out of him, hangover or no. He searched around for his boxers. They were gone!  
  
'Ah well,' he thought, and decided to dress his two bedmates and put them somewhere else. There was a slight bulge in one of Maria's dress pockets, but Jack didn't really think anything of it. He dressed the girls and laid them gently on the floor across the room. He searched around a little more for his boxers, but to no avail. They had just disappeared! He looked in his dresser for more pairs. They were all gone! All of his underwear was gone! There wasn't even that pair of briefs his mom made him take to the farm, even though Jack had told her numerous amounts of times that farmers just don't wear briefs.  
  
He started to panic. What was he supposed to do, run around without support down below? That was like a busty woman running around with no bra! His eyes darted around frantically. Then, Jack eyed his pillowcase. That would work! He grabbed the pillowcase and tore two leg-sized holes in the closed end. He stuck his legs in the holes, and pulled the pillowcase up enough to support him. He tied a knot on the open end so that it would fit his waist, and then threw his clothes on quickly before anyone could see that he was wearing a pillowcase.  
  
After Jack took care of his little undies problem, he noticed that Koro was nowhere to be seen. He looked around, thinking that there might be a female dog around that Koro got jiggy with the night before.  
  
Sure enough, Jack found his dog outside in the horse stable, with the "I- Just-Got-Laid" expression written all over his smug little face. Jack looked around for the little bitch (literally), and saw...Vicky the Harvest Sprite? She was smoking a cigarette and petting Koro's head gently.  
  
"Hey, Farmer-man!" she said. "Bob took Eve, so Vicky had find other source of fun after Farmer-man."  
  
She laughed at Jack's puzzled expression. "Farmer-man too stoned to remember gettin' jiggy with Vicky. It much fun. Vicky seen many things bigger than self, but never THAT thing!" Jack's eyes widened, and he backed away. Vicky's expression softened.  
  
"It good thing, Farmer-man," she said comfortingly. "You much better lay than dog!" Jack smiled nervously, and ran up to the mountains for some alone time.  
  
Jack ran up to the cliff, dozing in the soft morning sunshine. Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him. All of the women in the village, including Ellen and Nina, were standing behind him.  
  
"Last night was great!" they all said simultaneously. Suddenly, all of them pounced on Jack and started making passionate love to him. Then the Harvest Goddess came to the cliff, knocked all of the other girls out of the way, and took Jack for herself. It was, Jack thought, divine. The Goddess was screaming his name above him.  
  
"Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!" The voice slowly became less heavenly and dreamlike, and turned to a normal voice. He opened his eyes. Ann was standing above him, shaking his shoulders worriedly. "Jack, are you alright?"  
  
Jack nodded, clearing his head from the marvelous dream he had been having. "You must've been having a horrible nightmare," Ann said. "You were moaning and screaming a lot. It was somewhat like last night."  
  
She winked, and Jack blushed. He glanced downward, embarrassed, and noticed a HUGE wet spot on his overalls. He got up hastily and turned away from Ann, looking for something to cover himself with. Luckily, a large leaf was nearby, and he grabbed it and held it over his crotch. He waved bye to Ann, and ran down the mountain. She had a bewildered look on her face. Jack hated to leave her there like that, but he had to confess to the Goddess. This was definitely a sin.  
  
He cascaded down the mountainside, sprinting into town. This was horrible! How could he fantasize about the Goddess? He turned the corner into the church, and ran right into Maria.  
  
"Hey there, baby," she said seductively, running her hands along his neck. "Last night was great." She pushed him into the nearest pew and they started gettin' jiggy. Once again, the Goddess appeared, but this time she possessed Maria and put both of their powers to work. "Jack! Jack! Jack!" they screamed.  
  
Then, the voice fused into one. "Jack! Wake up!" His vision cleared. Maria was bent over him, holding a damp washcloth on his forehead. "Are you alright?"  
  
Jack nodded. "After you ran into me, you passed out! You seemed to be moaning uncontrollably." Jack put a hand to his head, and the other hand found his large leaf and placed it over his extremely damp overalls. He smiled at Maria, and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. At least that would make her a little happier than Ann was when he ran off suddenly. She blushed, and put a hand over her cheek, smiling.  
  
"Jack!" she scolded. "Not in church! You'd better go confess to the Goddess now." Jack smiled. "Good idea," he said. Now he had an excuse.  
  
He ran up to the Goddess statue eagerly. Unseen by Jack, Maria held her hand on the kissed cheek, sighing happily. He was so pious! Too good to be true. He was so sweet, and was obviously not just a horny pervert after her body. He'd had that, and she'd give him more if he asked. Hell, she'd ask the Goddess to knock him up if it would make him happy.  
  
Jack knelt down and started to pray. 'Forgive me, Goddess, for I have sinned.'  
  
The Goddess sighed. 'You again? What is it this time? Did you say a bad word? Did you think of a girl? By the look of your pants, you're confessing the latter.'  
  
Jack blushed. 'Goddess...I have this medical condition. If I get laid, then I have uncontrollable, erotic wet dreams for twenty-four hours.'  
  
The Goddess laughed. 'And your point is'  
  
Jack sighed. 'I dreamt about you, Goddess. There wasn't anything I could do to stop it! You just appeared in my dreams, and started making passionate love to me.' He flinched, awaiting the Goddess's anger. She was silent for a moment.  
  
'Really? Me? Want to get together at six tonight?'  
  
Jack opened his eyes and fell backward, startled. Why did all the girls want to get him laid lately? That would just aggravate his condition! But how could he turn down the Goddess herself? Would that be more of a sin than sleeping with her? He decided that it would be. She didn't sound angry. 'Sure, why not?'  
  
The Goddess giggled. 'All right then! The only problem is that I'm immortal, so I'll have to come to you in your dreams. Is that all right?' Jack shrugged, indifferent.  
  
'See you tonight then, hottie!' Jack stood up to the sound of the Goddess's giggling. Maria beamed at him as he walked past her. "Jack?" she questioned shyly. He lifted his eyebrows in acknowledgement. "Do you think I could meet with you tonight? You know, at my place? I'll give you the house key."  
  
Jack thought. Well, he'd already done it once, so why not do it again? He nodded, smiling. Maria clapped her hands and smiled brightly. "I'll see you tonight, then!" she said. She hummed as he walked out.  
  
There wasn't anything wrong with sleeping with Maria, was there? The Goddess had said she would come in his dreams, so Maria would probably just think that he was reenacting their little meeting. He smiled evilly. Deep in the recesses of his mind, a small voice also known as his conscience was sighing. This medical condition made him such a horny perv! Goddess, may he get over it soon. It could be weeks before Jack stopped getting laid every night.  
  
Jack's id slapped his conscience across the face. "What the fuck's your problem?" asked the id. "If Jack's gettin' laid, then we are, too! You'd better not ruin my chances, you son of a bitch!" The conscience ran away, crying. The id smiled smugly, and turned away, aggravating Jack's condition so he could get some more tonight.  
  
Jack walked off to the tool shop, whistling. Ann was outside, and it seemed like she was waiting for him. "Hey," she said, blushing slightly. Jack nodded to her.  
  
Unfortunately, he tripped on a stone that was jutting out from the pathway, and he fell flat on his face. He got up quickly, and brushed himself off. Ann didn't seem to notice. He glanced around a bit, seeing if anyone was around. Then, he grabbed Ann in his arms and started making out with her in front of the tools shop.  
  
The Harvest Goddess appeared. "He's mine, bitch!" she screamed at Ann. The Goddess pushed her out of the way and started making passionate love to Jack. "Jack! Jack! Jack!" she cried incessantly. Her voice began to sound like Ann's.  
  
"Jack! Wake up! You're having a horrible nightmare!" Jack stood up slowly, holding his aching head.  
  
"Your dream must've been horrible, Jack!" said Ann. "You peed your pants and everything! That's one big wet spot!" Jack blushed and covered as much as he could of the spot with his giant leaf. He didn't plan on telling Ann what the wet stuff really was. "Poor Jack," said Ann sadly. "How about you come to my place tonight, and I'll kiss your boo-boos and make them all better?"  
  
Jack nodded slyly. Three in one night! Awesome! He left Ann with a small kiss on the cheek, and walked off to the bar just as the sun was setting.  
  
The bar was packed with the usual crowd of people (and Jack knew who they were even though this was only his third day in town). "Hey there, honey," said Eve, winking at him. "Want some action?"  
  
"Not from you," said Jack. Eve's mouth formed an O of surprise. As what Jack had said settled in, her eyes narrowed and she growled slightly. "WHAT?!?" she screamed. "What do you mean, not from me? Like any other girl on this fuckin' town would give you any!"  
  
Eve laughed cruelly. "I'd like to see one girl that would do you."  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open. "I would do that sexy bitch!" cried a voice. A girl with short, purplish-black hair was standing in the doorway. She was wearing jeans and a shirt that read, "I love Devon!"  
  
"Who the fuck are you?" demanded Eve. "You don't remember me, Sister?" asked the strange girl. The entire bar gasped. "It is I, Setsuna!"  
  
Eve raised an eyebrow. "Do I know you?"  
  
Setsuna stood with her arms akimbo. "Of course you do!" she said. "We were both rejected from the same nunnery in Transylvania!" Eve thought for a moment. "Oh yeah! I remember you!" she exclaimed. "You were the one that got kicked out for screwing around with all the monks in the nearby monastery, right?"  
  
Setsuna nodded proudly. "That would be me!" she said. "Well, you would do anybody, so its no surprise that you'd do Jack," said Eve.  
  
Setsuna flared up with anger. "At least I don't have AIDS!" she screamed viciously. Everyone in the village, even those who were sleeping, heard this outburst. They all screamed in horror. Eve flushed.  
  
"How could you tell my secret, you bitch?" She jumped on the newcomer, and a large catfight ensued on the floor. Setsuna emerged victorious after she plunged a dildo through Eve's heart. The people in the bar cheered happily. "Did she really have AIDS?" asked the drunk nervously.  
  
Setsuna laughed evilly. "Of course not!" she said. "It was all just a prank I played on her in the nunnery. That little hoe was stealing all my business! I had to do it! But evidently it didn't stop her for a minute." The bar inhabitants cheered again, until they realized that Setsuna had just killed their bedmate. They turned into an angry mob, and started throwing vegetables at her.  
  
"Come on!" Setsuna shouted to Jack. "Let's go in the back room and do what I came here to do!" She pulled him into Eve's room, and commenced in their business. Setsuna said that just because he was so cool, Jack could have this one on the house. "But next time," she said, "you'll have to pay. I may just be a two dollar hoe, but I still charge by the minute!"  
  
After their little engagement, Jack left the satisfied Setsuna to go visit Ann and Maria. They had hours of fun, which began and ended at six. When Jack got home that night, he was visited by the Harvest Goddess in his dreams, just as she'd promised. The next day, when Jack tried to get out of bed, he was so sexually exhausted that he couldn't move. He ended up staying in bed all day, as a certain swollen, over-used something weighed him down to his bed. 


	6. Incest and Pink Catmints, Flowerbud Time

Jack got out of bed two days later, both heads aching. He made a commitment to get some strong medication to alleviate his little medical problem so this wouldn't happen again. He threw himself onto the chair next to his table, and shoved a huge rice ball in his mouth. As he chewed, he checked out his surroundings.  
  
His house was a mess. Jack hadn't gotten the opportunity to clean up after the huge party. All types of drugs, both legal and illegal, were scattered in various corners of the room. Random clothing articles were hung on his furniture, excluding his boxers that he still hadn't found. He looked under the table, and noticed the drunk lying there, either passed out, in a coma, or dead. Jack really didn't care which, but his house was starting to smell bad, so he grabbed a shovel and threw the body on his plot of "special" grass. Maybe that would make it grow faster so he could actually feed his poor, starving, drugged-up chicken. Maybe it would be easier if he just ate the damn thing.  
  
Jack looked around for his dog, Koro. He found the mutt out on his porch, sleeping with Vicky. "What?" asked Vicky innocently. "Farmer-man too spent to satisfy Vicky, so Vicky needed get new lay." Jack shrugged, not really caring. He was happy as long as somebody was taking care of his dog in some way, shape or form.  
  
He walked out to the crossroads, deciding to take a hike in the mountains. A little pony was standing in the middle of the road. "A horse!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I think I'll take it home." He started to lead the horse away. It bit him hard in the ass.  
  
"OWWWW!" screamed Jack painfully, running around in circles. The horse laughed, and turned into... Eve! Jack shrieked in horror. "Hi!" said Eve. "I'm the ghost of Christmas past!"  
  
Jack raised an eyebrow. "It's the fifth of spring," he pointed out. "I don't care!" said Eve, grabbing his wrist. "I'm going to pick you up and fly you to places of your childhood!" She started flying through the air, dragging Jack behind her.  
  
"Why?" he cried piteously. "Because," she said, "you have no heart!" His brow furrowed. "Yes I do!" he replied. "Just shut up you dumbass!" said Eve, and put some duct tape over his mouth.  
  
Soon they came flying over a little elementary school, with a yard full of playing children. "It's my old school!" cried Jack. "No shit, Sherlock," Eve replied. They landed among the playing children. One of them had a little blue cap and overalls on, and he sported a red bandana around his neck.  
  
"Hey!" cried Jack. "It's me!" Eve rolled her eyes. The little Jack was holding a little girl's hand. She had green hair, and wore a little red, lacy dress. It was very cute. "Who the hell is that?" asked Eve.  
  
Jack sighed dreamily. "That's Ima Goodshag. She was the prettiest girl in school, and my first girlfriend."  
  
Eve raised an eyebrow at the name. "Really?" she asked. "So she was your 'first'?" Jack caught what she meant and nodded, blushing. The two turned their attention back to the children.  
  
"Let's go behind the slide, Jack," said Ima.  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
"I want to...play..." replied Ima slyly. She winked.  
  
Jack's brow furrowed in confusion. "We can play right here," he said.  
  
Ima let out an exasperated sigh. "No, you dumbass," she said. "You don't get it. This is a special kind of play. We need to hide to play this game, OK?"  
  
Little Jack shrugged innocently. "OK," he said, and followed her behind the slide, where he proceeded to lose his virginity. "Why did you bring me here?" Big Jack asked Eve.  
  
Eve sighed. "Have you been a dumbass your entire life?" She figured that this question didn't need answering, and continued. "You'll get the moral after the third ghost visits you." Jack nodded, comprehending. "Now, let's get you back," she said. "I'm missing 'Bachelors of the Hereafter.'" With that, she grabbed his wrist and flew him back to his own time, dumping him in the crossroads.  
  
Jack stood up, coughing to get the dust out of his mouth. I need a vacation, he thought as he walked up into the mountains. He walked up to Fisherman.  
  
"Howdy," said Fisherman, tipping his hat to Jack. "How can old Billy-Bob- Joe-Bob-Greg-Bob-John-Bob-Henry-Bob-Lewis-Bob-Fred-Bob-Dan-Bob-Rick-Bob- Steve help you today?"  
  
"Can I borrow your fishing pole?" asked Jack. "Sure thing," said Billy-Bob- Jo-erm, Fisherman. "Press Y button."  
  
Jack examined the pole. Sure enough, there was a little button on it, reading "Y". He stood at the edge of a pond, and pressed the button. The pole made a neat cast, and Jack relaxed, waiting for a bite. Soon, he felt a tug on his rod. He heaved on the pole, and a little fish landed behind him. He picked it up, and cried, "Fish!" The fish smiled at him. Jack dropped it in surprise. Smoke appeared around the fish, and it transformed into...Ellen!  
  
"I am the ghost of Christmas present!" she announced. Jack glanced at Fisherman. He was inside of his tent, gettin' jiggy with Setsuna. Ellen smacked Jack across the face. "Hello!" she cried. "Can't a dead girl get some attention around here?"  
  
Jack put a hand to his tender cheek. "OK, dumbass," said Ellen, "it's time for me to show you other people in the present. You know the routine; let's go." She grabbed his wrist, and started flying. Jack wondered how a ghost could slap so hard.  
  
They soon came to a little apartment in the city. "Hey!" exclaimed Jack. "That's where my parents live!" "No shit, Sherlock," said Ellen. Jack wondered why both Ellen and Eve called him "dumbass" and used that phrase.  
  
They flew through the window, where they saw Jack's parents. His mother was crying, as usual, and his father was waggling his finger at her. "Our son!" wailed Jack's mother between sobs. "How can he sleep around so much?"  
  
"Easily," replied his father, continuing the incessant finger waggling. "The boy's got a huge...talent...for getting women in bed."  
  
His mother's volume increased. "But WHY?" she moaned. "Doesn't he understand how hard it will be for his future children to marry without it being incest?"  
  
"Oh, dear," said his father gently, still waggling his finger. "Just because he sleeps with every damn woman available doesn't mean that they'll all give birth! That's impossible! Why, if it happened to me, I'd be related to the world!" Jack's mother continued crying, shattering some glass with her loud cries.  
  
"Let's go," said Ellen, pulling at Jack's wrist and flying away through the window. "Wait!" he said as they were flying back. "I didn't have sex with Eve!"  
  
"Yes you did," said Ellen. "You were just too stoned to remember."  
  
"I didn't do anything with Nina, you, the Fortune-Teller, the mayor's wife, your mother, the little redhead girl, or the Florist!" Ellen giggled, shaking her head. "You just keep telling yourself that, Jacky-boy," she said. Jack froze in horror, and only unfroze when Ellen dumped him into the middle of the fishpond.  
  
Jack climbed out, shivering. He wasn't cold, but the thought of fucking the Fortune-Teller horrified him to no end. He walked up to the summit, gazing at the marvelous view and calming his nerves. Suddenly, he noticed a small pink flower to his right. He leaned over to smell it, and it bit him on the nose.  
  
"Ow!!!" cried Jack, prying the flower off his nose. The flower fell to the ground. Little electric sparks danced around the fallen flower. The evil biting flower turned into... Nina!  
  
"Nina ghost of Christmas future!" she cried, doing an evil, cannibalistic dance. Jack backed away. "Cheese monkey!" she screeched. She grabbed his wrist and they flew high into the air.  
  
"Where are we going?" cried Jack. "Going to future, dumbass," replied Nina. The world swirled around violently, and Jack wondered if he should just change his name to "Dumbass". It would be much easier that way.  
  
He looked down on the village, many years into the future. It had changed so much! His farm was smaller, but much more organized. The crossroads had two added paths. The mountains were formed strangely, and the layout was completely different. The village had changed beyond his powers of description. One of the newly added branches to the crossroads had another farm on it, filled with animals. A small path there led down to the beach. The other path led up to a thriving vineyard. It was beautiful! A little sign swung at the entrance to the town. "Welcome to Flower Bud Village," it said. The town had a name now! Amazing!  
  
Nina and Jack swooped down into the "new" area. They landed neatly in the crossroads. Jack saw something he knew he would never forget. Himself! It was a different, younger version of him. The other Jack was wearing the same clothes, but his hat had a yellow bill, and he was wearing a backpack. SNES Jack stood still, gaping at his future grandson.  
  
"It's me!" he said to Nina. "No shit, Sherlock," said Nina, rolling her eyes. Jack had an intense urge to punch her. Luckily for Nina, she was saved by a beautiful girl who happened to be walking down from the vineyard. She had brown hair with blonde streaks in it, and vivid green eyes. She wore a white shirt, denim shorts, a purple vest, and large, muddy boots.  
  
"Hey Karen," said Jack's grandson.  
  
"Hey, Jake," said the beautiful girl. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing much," replied Jake, handing Karen a big purple berry. "Kyaaaa!" exclaimed Karen happily. "I love this! I'm so happy!" She gave Jake a peck on the cheek. "See you, baby," said Jake, and he walked into town. Jack followed his future grandson, intent on seeing who he would meet next.  
  
Jake walked up to a pink-haired girl that looked disturbingly like Nina. Nina nudged Jack. "See?" she said. "That our granddaughter." Jake walked up to the girl and handed her a flower.  
  
"No, you fool!" screamed Jack, reaching for the boy. The girl just smiled. "Oh, Jake," said the pink-haired spawn of Satan (well, she *is* Nina's granddaughter), "you're so sweet. When are you going to marry one of us?" She batted her eyes sweetly.  
  
"Popuri, you know I'm not into things like that," he replied. "I need to find out my history first...then I'll consider a wife." Popuri smiled and kissed Jake on the cheek. "Until then, keep me in mind!" she said, and continued watering the sidewalk.  
  
Jake walked into a bakery, where he encountered a girl that looked like Ellen in a dress. "See, Jack get jiggy with Ellen, too," Nina said. Jack shook his head in disbelief.  
  
Jake, however, waltzed up to the girl and gave her a large bottle of milk. She beamed at him. "Thank you, Jake!" she said, hugging him tightly.  
  
"Elli!" laughed Jake. "I need to breathe, you know!"  
  
Elli laughed, releasing him. "Rick got the blue feather in today," she said, blushing. "Are you gonna buy it?"  
  
Jake shook his head. "Not yet, Elli," he said, stroking her short hair. "Maybe sometime in the future."  
  
"Alright," said Elli sadly. "Bye!"  
  
Jake left the bakery, and walked toward the renovated tool shop. A girl with a yellow shirt, overalls, and bright red hair greeted him. "Hey, Jake!" she said cheerfully.  
  
"Hey, Ann." Jack could easily figure out whose grandchild this was. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Ann said, smiling.  
  
Jake nodded and handed her a flower. "Thanks!" said Ann. "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jake smiled and walked out, listening to Ann's voice incessantly repeating "Nothing's better than being in good spirits!" Jack made a mental note to get Ann an abortion.  
  
Jake walked on, and entered a little library. "Hey, Maria," he said. This girl was of obvious parenting as well, though Jack wasn't so sure where she got the black hair from.  
  
"Hello, Jake," she said. "The book on your history came in."  
  
Jake pumped a fist in the air. "Yes!" he cried. Maria handed him the old, moldy book, and he began thumbing through it eagerly. The corners of a few of the pages fell off.  
  
"Jake?" Maria asked timidly. Jake acknowledged her. "Why did you want that book so much?"  
  
Jake sighed. "Maria, have you ever wondered why I've been here two years and haven't got married yet?" Maria shook her head. "My grandfather, Jack, slept around so much when he lived in this village that I could actually be related to everyone in this town. I need this book on my history to see who I'm not related to. I love all of you girls dearly, but I don't want to be incestuous!"  
  
Maria sighed. "There's no chance of us being together, then, if I'm related to you?" Jake shook his head. "I'm sorry, Maria. But, Harris the mailman has a huge crush on you!"  
  
Maria made a disgusted face. "A mailman?" she asked incredulously. "Yeah, right! I'm the mayor's daughter! I can have whoever I want! And I'd like it if you visited the library between jobs." Jake shook his head, and took the book back home with him. Jack was very depressed about the situation his grandson was in, and was trying to kill himself by smashing himself repeatedly over the head with a book on knitting. "Dumbass!" cried Nina's ghost. She grabbed him and dragged him over to Jake's farm.  
  
Jake sat reading his book with Koro at his feet. Jack was quite surprised that the damn dog was still alive. He shrugged, and read his future family tree over Jake's shoulder.  
  
"Eve and Jack. Offspring: Sasha and (Cliff's parent). Sasha and Gotz. Offspring: Karen. (Cliff's parent) and (Cliff's other parent): Cliff and *smudge*."  
  
Jake sighed. "Well," he said, "I know my parents aren't Sasha and Gotz, so I guess I'm Cliff's brother. That would make me Karen's cousin. I can't marry her." Jack mentally slapped himself for being attracted to his granddaughter.  
  
"Ellen and Jack. Offspring: (Elli's parent). (Elli's parent) and (Elli's other parent): Elli and Jake." "Oh my God!" cried Jake. "I had sexual fantasies about my sister!" He shuddered, and continued reading.  
  
"Nina and Jack. Offspring: Lilia and *smudge*. Lilia and Basil: Popuri." Jake sighed again. "Another cousin," he said wistfully.  
  
"Maria (blue hair) and Jack. Offspring: Mayor's wife. Mayor's wife and Mayor: Maria. Mayor's wife and (name of Jake's father): Jake." Jake raised the corner of his mouth in a half smile. The book had a full page of how many people the Mayor's wife had slept with. Poor woman. The biggest thing her husband had was his nose.  
  
"Half sister," said Jake, and continued reading. "Ann and Jack. Offspring: Doug and (Jake's father). Doug and *smudge*: Ann." Jake sighed. "Yet another cousin," he said. Suddenly, it hit him: he was related to every girl in the village. Jake turned his head toward the roof and howled. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His screams turned to violent sobs as he realized there was no one left for him to love.  
  
"Please, Nina!" Jack gasped. "Take me away from this horrid place! I can't bear it anymore!" Nina shrugged. "Okay," she said. She grabbed his wrist, and took him back to his own time, where he retired, sobbing on his bed. 


	7. Trademarked Anticlimactic Ending

Jack cried himself to sleep. When he woke up, Ann was leaning over his bed.  
  
"What's wrong with you?" she asked, concerned. "You look like you visited the future, and found out that you ruined somebody's life!"  
  
Jack burst into tears, and reached for Ann. He needed a good shoulder to cry on. Instead of getting a loving embrace, Jack was slapped across the face and pushed away.  
  
"You jerk!" Ann said. "You fuck around and expect me to comfort you when you find out what you've done? I'm pregnant because of you!" With that, she stormed out of the house. "Ann!" called Jack hoarsely.  
  
But it was too late. Ann had just walked out of his life forever. He didn't know it at the time, but she had taken Koro with her.  
  
Jack walked outside, wondering where to go. He decided to go see Bob, Joe, and Walter. Those little guys always made him feel better. He walked into his tool shed, and took the back door into the Harvest Sprite's cavern. Bob, Joe, and Walter were sitting there, playing strip poker with Vicky. She seemed to be losing horribly.  
  
"What you want, Farmer-man?" asked Bob hostilely. "Don't you know you not wanted anymore?"  
  
"Why?" asked Jack, feeling his throat close up. He was crying uncontrollably today.  
  
"Face it, Farmer-man. You screw up. You make everything bad. Our future children all have three arms and one eye from much incest. You ruin everything!"  
  
"Yeah," said Joe. Suddenly, he stood up and threw a golden hoe at Jack. It narrowly missed his head. "Go dig your own grave!" he said, and then sat down and continued his game of Watch-Vicky-Strip Poker.  
  
Walter looked up. "Yes. I would very much like it if you evacuated our domicile. You seem to be preventing the light from shining on Vicky's succulent body." The failed farmer grabbed his shiny tool and ran from the cave.  
  
He had to get to town. There must be a few sane people left! He entered the town square, and froze. Everyone in the village was there. Eve's Grandpa and the carpenter triplets closed in behind him. The four had an array of horrible weapons with them, ranging from guns to abnormally large spatulas. The other villagers were armed as well.  
  
The mayor stepped forward. "Jack," he said. His voice was amplified, as if he were speaking with a megaphone. "You have failed the village. Everyone hates you, so we have all gathered here to kill you."  
  
"Everyone?" asked Jack. "Yes," replied the mayor, "everyone."  
  
The villagers advanced, brandishing their weapons and growling. Then, Jack noticed something. "Wait!" he said. The villagers listened. "I've noticed something! Maria and the little blonde boy are missing! What happened to them?"  
  
The mayor shrugged. "Oh, them?" he said. "They're gettin' jiggy in my house, and they couldn't make it. But Maria asked me to put in an extra whack for her!" Jack screamed, his voice very high-pitched. Then, the pieces came together.  
  
"Wait!" he cried again. "What now?" asked the exasperated mayor.  
  
"This is a dream!" exclaimed Jack. "Nothing that's happening here makes sense! The little boy's dream is coming true! The mayor said something! Eve's Grandpa left the mountains! Walter wasn't stoned, and used really big words! Ann said bad words, and knew I was sleeping with people beside her! I'm speaking in complete sentences! This must be a nightmare!"  
  
The mayor sneered. "So, you've figured it out, have you? This is indeed a dream, brought to you by Eve (the Beautiful, Bitter Banshee). However, you can still feel pain. Taste spatula, Dumbass!" The villagers attacked him with full force, and, as it is in dreams, Jack did feel pain. He hoped he woke up soon.  
  
He felt a cool cloth on his forehead. "Jack," said a voice. "Jack..." He listened to the voice say his name. It sounded very nice, and it comforted him. "Jack!" The owner of the melodious voice smacked him, hard. "I know you're awake. Get up!"  
  
Slowly, Jack opened his eyes. Ann was above him, staring at his face. She sighed in relief. "I thought you'd never wake up!"  
  
He sat up in bed. Everything looked a little different. "How long did I sleep?" he asked, even though he knew it wasn't a good idea to talk so much right after waking up.  
  
"Well, you fell asleep on the fifth of Spring..." Ann counted the number of days on her hand. "Sixty-seven days," she said at last.  
  
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed Jack. He looked at his calendar. Sure enough, it was Fall.  
  
"Yeah," replied Ann. "I guess you could say you've been in a coma. Maria and I took turns taking care of you."  
  
Jack was deeply touched. "Thank you," he said gratefully.  
  
"Whatever," said Ann. "Now that you're awake, let's go to the Harvest Festival! It's going on right now, and I don't want to miss it."  
  
"Ok," replied Jack. The two went to the festival, and had a great time.  
  
Epilogue:  
  
Jack continued to sleep around with every woman in the village, even when he was married to Maria a year later. She didn't seem to mind. He advised the villagers never to write anything about their family lines, as it might ruin their descendents' chances of romance.  
  
The villagers lived on, and Jack became the temporary mayor until his daughter could step up to the post. While he was mayor, he renovated the town so that it looked like what he saw in the future. When his daughter was old enough to become mayor, they brainwashed her to think that her father was an albino that died of overexposure to sunlight, and that Jack was just one of Maria's many relatives. She believed it, and went on to marry a short, balding fat man with a large red nose.  
  
Jack sent his son to the city, and made him promised to send his child to take over the farm when Jack died. Jack did eventually die, and was buried in an animal cemetery next to Mary Jane's bones. Koro managed to live on, and was still at the farm when Jake took it over. The villagers lived happily and incestuously ever after.  
  
THE END 


End file.
